How many times do we take a step back and take an inventory of where “we” are in our relationships? Like any good business we must regularly check what we have in stock in order to know what have and where we need to do some work. I am not talking material stock here. I”m talking personal inventory, and I am not suggesting you take your partners inventory either. No, it’s a time to look in the mirror and see where “you” are.
An inventory is about asking questions and being honest with the answers. There are many different questions you can ask yourself, here are a few to get you started in the right direction. Remember honesty is the important part here, don’t judge yourself or beat yourself up about where you are.
1. Are you the type of person that gives and gives until there is nothing left to give, leaving you feeling resentful and angry?
2. Are you the type that forgets all about your hopes and dreams as soon as you get in a relationship? The type that was all put together until that “one” came along and all of a sudden the wind blew away your dreams.
3. Are you the type that carries the load for two? All the chores are yours to carry. The cooking the shopping, the cleaning, the organizing of schedules.
4. Are you the type that is always taking and offers very little?
5. Are you the type that keeps score and likes to be one up so the other owes you?
6. Are you the type that spends countless hours worrying if your partner really loves you? Or if they will leave?
7. Are you the type that puts the other down so that you feel better?
8. Are you the type that controls the other by manipulation or abuse?
9. Are you the poor me type that likes the other person to feel guilty?
10. Are you the type that has no boundaries, therefore has no respect for those of others?
There are hundreds of questions you can ask yourself in order to see where “you” are in a relationship. Did you see yourself in any of those questions? Did they stir something within you? Remember this isn’t meant to be a beat me up session, it is meant to be a self discovery session. Keep it positive.
If you want to change anything in life, including relationships, it starts with changing you and not having any attachment to how that will affect the thing you want to change.
I see so many people in my practice that have all their attention on the other person and the relationship that they have no idea of who they are. They have gone on for years like this and it has gotten to an unhealthy point. They either never had self love, or lost it along the way of trying to love and be loved by someone else.
Relationships and love are not about that. They are not about losing each other and becoming one. Love is about loving yourself so much that you have more than enough to share with others. It’s about accepting who you are, the good and the bad, and being able to accept the other as they are. Love is about allowing yourself and your partner to grow and change into who they truly are without expectations or guidelines. As each person grows, changes, and learns about them selves love grows deeper for all things in life.
Love is about supporting and nurturing yourself and the other person in reaching their full potential. It’s about trusting enough to let go of the fears, the worry and doubt, and just being.
If this isn’t you, and it isn’t your relationship perhaps it’s time to do some work. Like I said the work begins with you, with your thoughts and your feelings. This work isn’t always easy, it is often emotional, but the good thing about the work is that the pay offs are incredible.
Here are a few steps you can take…..and they really are only a few, but a good start.
1. Start by writing out the truth about you in your relationship. Notice I said you.
2. Start paying attention to your thoughts. Are they negative or positive?
3. Without judging yourself for having them, change the negative thoughts to positive ones.
4. Look at what you want to change about you, to be a better you, for you.
5. Give yourself permission to grow and change.
6. Write down your goals and aspirations, not only for you but for the relationship as well.
7. Take 5 minutes each day to work towards these goals.
8. Feel the love within you throughout everyday, share that with others.
9. Let go of any anger, resentment, hurt or fear. It is no longer serving you any good.
10. Allow yourself to be, and allow others around you to be.
This looks like a simple list, and it is, but like I said it’s not always easy. Keep working away at it, keep learning and growing. You are going to be surprised about what you learn along this journey. You may find you are in the perfect relationship, you may find your not. What you will find while doing this work is YOU, and that’s what matters.