For Shame Redbook

9:18 AM I am at work. (Honestly, my day planner clearly has 9:00AM-11:00AM blocked off with the words “work from home” written in the details section!) Anywho, here I sit wearing my burgundy striped men’s pajama bottoms and my favourite blue and pink hoodie with a lil black dog sleeping on my ever-so-sexy mukluks. My planner is open, my blackberry is on the ready, coffee is steaming and pink grapefruit Perrier is bubbling.  Life is good.

Then the doorbell rings.

Peeking out from the basement window I see the UPS guy waiting for a signature with a package from some far-flung corner of the earth bearing untold treasures-or it could be the ergonomic vegetable peeler I ordered from Minnesota. AWESOME either way. Now I take stock. Wow, this really is a hideous cock up of an outfit I am sporting.  Did I mention I have leave in conditioning treatment on my hair with one of those towel-y turbans?  I do. Now, I am not a desperate housewife. I am not sitting at home waiting for door-to-door salesmen or dishwasher repairmen to knock on my door, but this? He looks like a young guy.  Ring on his finger.  His young bride probably still shuts the bathroom door while she flosses her teeth and Q-tips her ears.  I could scar him for life.  He may grow suspicious of his lovely wife’s natural beauty and set up secret cams in the bathroom. What is she doing in there?  What does she really look like??

DEEP BREATH I remind myself of my  proclivity towards exaggeration and self criticism; I climb the stairs and open the front door. He doesn’t recoil.  I chuckle to myself.  Then the dog comes padding through the front room with the two cats in tow and there it is. The telling look in the guy’s eyes when he comes to the conclusion that I am a crazy cat lady and that explains the get-up. I have a gift for mind reading you see and as such I am privy to the inner thoughts of UPS delivery guys and movie ticket sellers. They are almost always judging my wardrobe.

Back to work. I start sifting through this week’s top women’s magazine articles for inspiration for this week’s blog. There it is.  Redbook‘s Digital Edition’s article titled “The 5 Outfits Guys Secretly Hope You’ll Wear”. I quickly look at the 5 photos and agree with 4/5 of them.  There was the classic party dress that is devoid of bedazzling which allows a woman’s curves do the wowing.  Next was the jeans and white tee ensemble.  Truly, every woman looks good in a well-fitting pair of jeans and white t-shirt. Invest ladies! Outfit number three was a pencil skirt and the traditional black pump heel.  This requires no further discussion.  So it is written. Lastly, sexy knickers. I appreciated the feedback from men that while leather and lace is all well and good it is undies that make you feel pretty that really makes ’em drool. Feel good, look good.  I likey.  So far so good and then . . . the at home sweat pants debacle. My radar may have been set on high after the UPS encounter but this outfit suggestion irked me. Once again taking quick inventory of my present outfit I admit that this may not be the most flattering look for me (read; I appear homeless), but the comments from men included their dislike of pajama bottoms or loose fitting sweat pants and sweaters worn around the house. Immediately I wanted to ask them what they wear around the house on Sunday afternoon whilst watching the game? Hmm?  Hmm? We will get to that in a moment.

Here is what they suggest we wear around the house-an off the shoulder cashmere sweater that rests just below the belly button and a pair of fitted sweat pants with the waistband rolled down about three inches below the navel.  Don’t forget to set your hair in loose rollers the night before your day off so that your sexy loose tendrils finish off this vixen-esque look.  It is sexy.  There is no doubt about that. What does such an outfit cost you might ask?  It only takes a mere $290 to look as though you just threw this outfit together. Is it comfortable? Who cares! You look gorgeous. Perch yourself on the couch and glance lovingly over at your sig-other.  WTH?

Is that the hole-y waistband of his once white gitch peeking out from his NFL logo drawstring pants?  Does he know he has more guacamole on his “Less Work More Football” t-shirt? Then you see how happy he looks. Think about the six days you both put in at work this week and smell the chili simmering in the crockpot and know that there are 6-7 more hours of glorious football to enjoy together and you like him. . .just as he is. (superfluous Bridget Jones reference) Go change.  Now, you may want to throw out any pajamas with cartoon characters on them or sweats that you wore when you were pregnant but home is not but high fashion. Home is for comfy.

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