(Not all) people are people

Everybody wears a uniform, don’t kid yourself…

Frank Zappa

I recently took an online quiz entitled, “Which John Hughes character are you?” Humbly expecting to be labelled a Jake Ryan or even a John Bender, I instead was forced to bask in my own emasculation – Andie Walsh. Yes, Molly Ringwald’s angst ridden portrayal of the vintage clothed teenage Cinderella. How could this be? I wasn’t a girl who altered or transformed her clothing. Unless you count applying band-aids over my nipples under my soccer jersey to circumvent chafing.

So which character did I think I should be? Well, while I did identify with the lovelorn Duckie, (and I do love Otis Redding) I didn’t possess his killer instinct in pursuit of companionship or his poignant insight. However, a la Duckie, I did once run dramatically down an empty school corridor, pausing only to leap and rip down a “Go Stampeders!” banner. But, in fairness, that was an emotional response upon discovering that Joannie loved Chachi – not me.

I wish I identified with Emilio Estevez’ “Sporto,” character more, but fighting wasn’t my thing. My first altercation occurred in the McDonalds parking lot after a Friday night dance. It started out pretty Shakespeare, as myself and a hairbag were vying over the affections of a young damsel, and the challenge was issued. As usual, my pop culture references led me astray. I reached into my trunk for the large sheet of cardboard I kept for just such occasions. I mistakenly thought we’d settle our differences “Breakin’ 2: Electric Bugaloo” style and have a dance off. But, no sooner did I back spin into the Windmill, when he merely jumped on top of me and we wrestled in the slush until the manager came running out and threatened to call our parents.

And the poor misunderstood John Bender from The Breakfast Club? Give me a break. While he lamented about his crappy Christmas gifts, I’d have traded his carton of smokes in a second for what I got one year. Luggage. Where the hell was I going? I spent the rest of Christmas morning convincing myself there must be a plane ticket somewhere inadvertently strewn amongst the Christmas wrap.

Jake Ryan from Sixteen Candles? I certainly didn’t identify with him. He spent the whole movie eluding his buxom blonde, drunk girlfriend who was trying to have sex with him. Why? Because he was pursuing the pre-pubescent, acorn chested Samantha Baker, despite his belief that she was dating “The Donger.”

Then there was “Farmer TedAKA King of the Dipshits.” Please, I could only aspire to royalty. And there’s also a scene in the gym where he fast dances to “The Specials.” Tried it – can’t be done.

So, what John Hughes character do I think I am? I’d have to go with either Gary or Wyatt from Weird Science. I did attempt to create the perfect women on my computer with a bra on my head and chanting Hebrew, but only succeeded in jamming my scanner. And, I’m still open to having a bathing suit shower with a beautiful, dignified, British brunette – even if she does wear men’s underpants…

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