Like a slap in the face, it stung.
The sudden realization that all we had joked about was actually a reality.
So it’s not cancer, or heart disease and I don’t think any one has died from having it…well at least not directly. I didn’t know whether to triumph or be reduced to tears. All those things we all joked about. How impulsive I am, how risky, how daring, how I just might lose my head if it weren’t attached or how I could easily trail off mid senten….
I have long known all these things about me to be true, and often to the delight of myself and those around me. I love playing the fool and getting attention. Forever the entertainer my zany ideas flashing so quickly in my mind and the humour in not having the filter in place to stop me from saying them. I can’t say that there is any one bad thing about ADHD, but all the little challenges soon add up.
There are things that you normal folk wouldn’t even spend a moments notice on, daily things, like showering or brushing your teeth.
These are two things I do rarely. That is not to say I stink or have rotten teeth. It’s just not a priority for me, there are usually 30 other things I would rather do or have to do because I have procrastinated about them and I just don’t always get around to hygiene (I know it’s not just something you say to your friend…Hi, Jean!). I use deodorant and gum a lot in hopes I wont smell too bad. There are other grooming steps I miss along the way too, but if a loved one points something out to me I do tend to it right away.
It’s just kind of sad that I don’t notice these things my self. I don’t notice the piles and piles of papers on the counter, or the dishes in the sink. The left out food on the counter, or the half made cup of tea. The foot prints in the bottom of the tub…well I mostly shower any way when I remember, I mean who has time to just sit around in a bunch of water. I don’t always remember to take the laundry out of the washer before it starts to smell, or take it out of the dryer once its dry, or to fold it when I take it out of the dryer, or to put it away once it is finally folded…and because of that it all gets mixed in with the dirty stuff again…and so I just wash and rewash and dry and pile clean load after clean load on top of each other because I don’t have anywhere to put the laundry once its clean because… well the closets and drawers are filled with a bunch of other stuff I just haven’t found a home for.
Sometimes my cat pees on the floor because I didn’t get around to emptying the cat litter in a timely fashion, or he pees on clothing that has either been dropped or has fallen on the floor. Can’t blame the cat.
And to make matters worse, much, much worse in fact.
I am a woman.
Women are supposed to be the “cleaner” sex, yet you would be hard pressed to guess the last time or place in this house that I cleaned. They are supposed to be organized, yet I exhibit the more masculine trait of slovenliness.
I don’t wear make up, although it does look nice on me. I don’t worry about what I am wearing, unless I am “attending an event”. I never clean house, unless I am expecting guests.
I know in my heart of hearts that this is not how it is supposed to be and yet…as with everything else….
I can’t be bothered to change it….I can’t be bothered to do any thing about it.
No wonder I went around most of my life feeling like a lazy loser. I have no self-esteem because well there is nothing to feel esteem about. I know I don’t measure up, and the more I try the worse I feel about things. In so many ways it is just easier to poke fun of myself, to tell everyone how lazy and useless I am than to try to explain that what takes them 10 minutes to do, like load the dishwasher takes me closer to an hour. I just don’t have the skills to organize or prioritize the work that needs to be done and I end up disappointing so many people along the way. I hate thinking that my parents and in-laws might think I am not a good enough mother to my kids or a good enough wife to my husband.
I hate forgetting to pay bills on time, or overspending just to feel good. I hate dealing with things that I have let slip by forgotten or unattended to. I hate finding Christmas Cards in January that I wrote out in October, so I wouldn’t forget to send them (which actually took me 3 attempts to write because I hate writing something that sounds insincere, or my handwriting is too messy, or I spelled something wrong…again! ) I hate that right now on my dresser I have cards and gifts that I have bought for people because I wanted to express how much those people mean to me, and yet some of those gifts and cards have been there over 2 years (Ya, it really seems like those are really important people to me doesn’t it!!!)
All this (and more) just because a few little chemicals are out of whack in my brain. Hardly seems fair and although I have started on one of the ADHD meds and am feeling a bit better, popping a few pills isn’t going to teach me the necessary skills to run the household, or organize my life. But they have been successful in giving me back a little bit of focus, and I can breathe easier. I certainly don’t think I have a handle on this at all, YET! but I am working on it.
- ADHD: Life Risk Factors Outweigh Medication Fears (brighthub.com)
- I guess things can calm down in the day in the life without the People in our lives that cry wolf so much we might get …… (floyd-wooley.blogspot.com)
- ADHD Parents Raising ADHD Kids (everydayhealth.com)
- Will Menopause Affect ADHD Symptoms? (everydayhealth.com)
- Living Well With Adult ADHD: Mara’s Story (everydayhealth.com)
- Raising a Child With ADHD (everydayhealth.com)
- A big damn mistake on my part has been trying to have “tribute’ to my ex-wife! (floyd-wooley.blogspot.com)
- ‘Faulty switch’ found in ADHD children (independent.co.uk)
- ADHD stops children being able to switch off daydreaming brain (telegraph.co.uk)