Dear Women, here's what you need to know about sex!

I recently read an article on the Huffington Post by a lady named Trina Read ( which was entitled “Dear Men, Here’s What You Need to Know About Sex”. I like to read these things as it always amazes me how wrong I am doing everything. I learn something new every single time I read one of these articles that suggest things that men should be doing to make their wife happier in bed. And I thought whispering those three magic words, “Shoe shopping tomorrow?” was enough to get all the loving I needed!

According to the article, sex for women has a beginning  a middle and an end. This must be like men are from mars etc., as women are apparently expecting the Lord of the Rings while men are thinking more like an article in Sports Illustrated! It is fine if both participants understand the plot they are supposed to follow but then, further down in the article it says don’t do the same things all the time. So don’t try to recreate War and Peace under the covers? This is one of the reasons why men seem confused by women all the time.

Shockingly enough, it is claimed that women don’t have an on/off switch for sex. Apparently they are too busy multitasking to to be able to focus on sex. Why isn’t it the same for men? Do we handle multitasking better? Is it because during coitus we are usually trying desperately to focus on other things? Or perhaps men feel that sex is more important than wondering if the toilet paper is facing the right way or if there is enough milk for breakfast? Priority should be happiness and making your wife happy, isn’t that more important than anything else? Perhaps women don’t subscribe to this train of thought, that men should not rank very highly on their list of things to do?

Four things we men should be doing is talking, kissing, touching and playfulness as apparently a stolen hour away from the children should be spent discussing our inner feelings, discovering that your wife hasn’t shaved her legs this week/month and tickling each other. There is nothing more guaranteed to make a man reach for the little blue pill than a woman laughing at his pride and joy!

I am no Warren Beatty but I am a man of the world and while Trina Read points out that there are at least 101 positions for intercourse, in my experience, trying to drunkenly convince a loved one to bend this way and that is often more difficult than it is to spell Karma Sutra! You try to suggest a new position and you get questioned about which dirty movie you saw the position in!

Lastly men are supposed to cuddle, no matter what, which is great if your wife likes to cuddle but what if she doesn’t? Should men get all upset because they are not being emotionally supported after sex?

I am no sex-o-logist and I don’t even play a doctor on television but there are a few things that are obvious, even to men.

Women might want a beginning  a middle and a end but men often just want to get it done. Spare five minutes while the kids are at a friends house? Push your man against a wall and have some fun! You don’t need to buy him chocolates first or ask how he is feeling. Simple, quick, perhaps messy but no emotional minefield to worry about.

It would be lovely to live in television world where people always have the time, the place, and the willingness to do it but in my life at least, the kids take up so much energy that it takes all my strength to get into bed without standing on Lego and closing my eyes. Yes you can make time but you need time to do that and sometimes, we just don’t have it.

Here are a couple of quickie suggestions (suggestions that are quick, not the other thing):

Men don’t expect adult movie type of action in the bed room, but at least yawn or something so we know you are still awake!
A relationship needs intimacy and fun in equal amounts. Often, more intimacy means more fun!
To men, a woman’s body is a beautiful, amazing thing. A work of art, something to stir the imagination and the loins. That is, unless it happens to be wearing a Disney character adorn pajamas. Winnie the Pooh and all other animated characters have never turned a man on. Well at least not to my knowledge.
Sometimes, men need to have nookie to help them sleep, and to deny them this would be cruel!

I cannot claim to be perfect, I know I am not, but I have been married for erm, over ten years (I think) to the same woman. I must be doing something right, perhaps letting her sleep as much as she wants? Everyone is different, and every relationship is different, so regardless what other people believe to be important for your sex life, only you know what is really right for each other. Don’t get hung up on advice columns, if what you have works for you, why would you want to change it?

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