How do we kill our lawn?

I know this is not the normal request for lawn advice but no one every said life was always normal. I also use the word “lawn” very loosely, in fact looser than than those women your mother always warned you about, that you spent your whole life looking for!

Let me set the scene. We have lived in our house (we have nicked named it the Titanic for various reasons) for nearly ten years and in those bliss-filled years, the back garden has been a beautiful lawn for perhaps 3 months. We are backed up onto a ravine where all the little weeds plays. As soon as we look the other way for a month or so, the weeds jump up, run over to our sparse patch of grass and embed themselves into the soil.

We have tried weed killer (back when it was legal) and pulling them up by the roots but these weeds come back like an obnoxious relative at Christmas. We did discover that pitching a tent does tend to keep the weeds away from the area that the tent is actually on but our tent isn’t big enough to cover the whole yard.

What we have decided, after another frustrated look out at the weeds, is to no longer have a lawn in the back yard. We will concentrate all our lawn efforts on the front yard where we have slightly more grass, and lots of moss.

What we intend to do to the back yard is make it all pretty with flowers and planets and a good size vegetable patch. It all sounds great in our heads but so many things sound great in our heads but as soon as these things escape… not so good.

Does anyone have any advice on what we should do first? I should point out that like almost everyone else in the world, we have no money to spend on this project (and I use that word lightly) but we want to get started sooner rather than later.

What I imagine we would be doing is making a couple of paths that will go around the flower beds and vegetable garden, probably patio stones or something, and then for the beds and gardens, I am wondering if we could get away with putting plastic on the ground, putting a wall of stones or something around it so that the plastic comes up and then filling it in with soil? Would the soil have to be that deep for veg and flowers?

We probably should sit down and plan out just where things are going to be so that we have a game plan of such. Would it be a good idea to put the path in, and then start working on just one portion of the garden? Once that is up and running, move to planting a second and so forth.

One idea I am personally toying with is having a life size statue of myself right in the middle of the garden. My only fear is that there is a by-law banning gargoyles.

Ideally this planned back yard transformation (good name for a reality show!) with not only be attractive to see but also attract birds and bees and butterflies as well as providing fresh, healthy vegetables for us to cover in ketchup before eating.

If you have any advice we would love to hear it. We pretty much know nothing about growing things, although we have a proven track record in killing the grass, flowers, planets, and tropical fish.

Thanks in advanced for any advice we receive and if we don’t receive any, then it is back to plan B which is concrete over the grass and setup a roller skating pad!

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